Polygamy

Polygamy - one woman's experience

Lined up with the other members of the Coda choral group at a Christmas concert in Southern Spain there is little to single out Maryam Len Beetstra. Her soaring soprano blends in the swelling choruses of carols and Christian anthems.

But Dutch-born Maryam travelled for nearly 48 hours to the gathering in Andalucia from her home in a little town in the High Atlas Mountains of Morocco - and left behind her Berber husband and his wife.

Maryam who has lived in Morocco for nearly a decade is the older wife in a relationship few modern European women experience – a polygamous Muslim marriage. And remarkably it was Maryam’s idea.

Maryam met her husband Brahim el-Ferouali when he came to work as the foreman of workers renovating her home on the outskirts of the little town of Kelaat M’Gouna. She had moved to Morocco after losing her job in real estate in Holland, though she had been visiting Moslem countries for years.

“He explained many things to me in a way that was very different from most Muslim men. We became very close.”

So close that when the time came for him to go home to Marrakesh they both dreaded parting so he proposed marriage and she accepted.

There was a big age gap. She was 49 and he just 32. “We were very much in love, so it did not matter, “ says Maryam. “For me relationships have to be equal in spirit and thoughts which has nothing to do with age.”

But there was one problem. She knew he might want children. “I had decided when I was sixteen that I never wanted children and now I was too old anyway, says Maryam. “So when I agreed to marry I told Brahim he should marry a second woman – a traditional Berber girl.”

At first he refused and his elderly parents also told him that Maryam was a good wife and he needed no other. But finally she persuaded them all it was a good idea. So Brahim then asked if she could find a second Dutch woman.

“That was not going to work for me,” says Maryam. “I told him I did not think I could find another girl from the Netherlands. So we agreed to find a local girl.”

They began to explore the emotional and legal issues around Brahim taking a second bride. Maryam, born in The Hague but raised largely in Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles was already a Muslim. She had already converted during the process of marrying Brahim in 2003 and their marriage was formalized four years later.

“I converted not because I wanted to go to paradise after I die, but because I was living in a Muslim country where Islam is a part of daily life, and because my husband is Muslim. Anyway I think Islam is basically, a much more realistic and tolerant religion than Christianity.”

“I was already living like a Muslim. I would not talk to strange men and I adopted the headscarf. I have always been a spiritual person anyway. If I had gone to live in Tibet and married a Tibetan I would have become a Buddhist, “ she says.

Another key factor in converting was inheritance. With the age difference in mind, Maryam wanted Brahim to be able to inherit her money. They were told this was legally very complex but that if she converted it was part of the marriage agreement.
But arranging for Brahim to take a second bride was much more challenging. In Islam men are allowed to take up to four wives at any one time though under very rigorous rules. The Qur’an insists that a man who chooses to marry more than one woman must treat her “justly” or not wed.

But in Morocco men are allowed only two wives. A few years ago Morocco adopted controversial reforms to the Mudawana or family code. Many of the measures were designed to give women greater equally under the law and its complex rules about marriage were widely seen as a bid to curb polygamy.

Maryam and Brahim had found a suitable girl – a young Berber called Zaineb from a nearby village. Brahim spoke with the parents of about six girls before finding Zaineb. Marrying is a joint decision between the two partners. “It is very democratic,” says Maryam.

There was a second reason apart from children for the marriage. “Traditionally the oldest son stays in the house and looks after his parents, but Brahim’s brother’s wife didn’t want this and always fought with her mother-in-law, so there was also this reason for Brahim to have a second wife who would care for his mother and father.”

“We had to go to a judge and ask for permission to marry and then there was a lot of fuss and it took six months and during that time we all went to court about three times. I also had to go to a doctor and buy a declaration that it was impossible for me to have children. Because, you know, there is corruption – everyone wants to make money out of this process. Finally the judge gave permission for us to marry Zaineb.”




Maryam and Brahim’s wedding had been a simple civic affair. Two years on, the families organised a traditional Berber wedding for Brahim and Zeinab, then 22, that lasted three days. On the third day the husband’s family welcomes the bride into their ranks. Songs are sung about her suitability to cook and clean and her other duties as a wife.

And then Zaineb spent the wedding night at her husband’s home. “I was in the house as well, but I did not feel jealous at all. I have a very big love with Brahim. They love each other as well, but it is very different from the way we love. It is in a different culture.”

For Maryam the relationship with Brahim, with Zaineb and with her in-laws is complicated by linguistic and cultural divides. Maryam speaks no Arabic nor the Berber Tamazight language and Brahim speaks no English or Dutch. “But we communicate very well together. We share some French and we can always understand each other.”

“Brahim and me are equal. Because we both have a long history, but completely different backgrounds, we can always learn from each other. There is never a boring day. Both Brahim and me are very much independent. I keep thinking that he is a very special man.”

It is harder with Zaineb. “I cannot talk to her at all, but I can hug her and massage her and we are very fond of each other.”

Zaineb now lives with and cares for Brahim’s elderly parents in their village ten kilometres from Kelaat M’Gouna. He visits regularly.

But there has been no child yet. Zaineb has had two miscarriages and Maryam says that if a third bid at motherhood fails, Brahim might divorce her. “If he decides to, then I will support him and we would look for another wife.”

But if there is a child Maryam says she will be like a grandmother figure. “The child will be culturally a Berber. I think that it is important.”

The relationship with Zaineb offers other challenges. One is the local girl’s level of education. “She is a very simple village girl and has no frame of reference at all to understand the wider world, “ says Maryam. “We do not try to explain it to her.”

And though Maryam has no jealousy of the younger wife, there are other cultural challenges. “In law I have seniority over her, though it is a bit more complicated because I am not Moroccan.

“The thing that worried me at first was Zaineb’s bad temper. She likes me but there is a big distance because she doesn’t understand me and I have disciplined her after she did very bad things, screaming at Brahim’s mother. Because I also helped choose her I felt responsible.”

Maryam has travelled a long distance from her childhood. As a young woman she developed a deep dislike of Western materialism and was drawn to something simpler and more spiritual.

She spent much of her life working in theatre and dance. She also travelled widely seeking a simpler life. In 2001 she went to Morocco and finally found her home, a partially derelict Zaouia or Muslim seminary, on the outskirts of Kelaat M’Gouna. “When I found this place I felt it was paradise.”





As a Muslim she observes key festivals such as Ramadan and Eid. She attends Mosque and prays with Brahim. “I was living as a Muslim long before I converted. I like the moral values of Islam. Here in Morocco they do not judge people. They say God will judge. But I am also very spiritual. I know there is something higher. Call it Allah or God or Nature. I have always felt this connection.”

At home in Morocco she lives simply. Neither she nor Brahim have fulltime jobs, but she says she is always busy in the kitchen or garden. Brahim has a range of part time work.

She has largely left Europe behind. Her remaining links are family – three brothers who visit her – and her regular trips to Spain to sing in the chorus. In Morocco she dresses as a Muslim but in Europe discards the headscarf.

But she never returns to her old homeland which is confronting deepening divisions between its Muslim population and the rise of an intolerant right wing, spearheaded by Geert Wilders' Freedom Party. Does this concern her?

“I used to follow the news and I was very concerned with the relations between Muslims in Europe and the others. I think things are getting bad now. There will be a war. Maybe it has already started. I used to think I could be a missionary to show people that Islam is not bad. But I think things are getting worse. I cannot change anything so now I live in Morocco and that is my life.”